PYRGOPOLINICES : Take ye care that the lustre of my shield is more bright than the rays of the sun are wont to be at the time when the sky is clear; that when occasion comes, the battle being joined, 'mid the fierce ranks right opposite it may dazzle the eyesight of the enemy. But, I wish to console this sabre of mine, that it may not lament nor be downcast in spirits, because I have thus long been wearing it keeping holiday, which so longs right dreadfully to make havoc of the enemy. But where is Artotrogus?

ARTOTROGUS: Here he is; he stands close by the hero, valiant and successful, and of princely form. Mars could not dare to style himself a warrior so great, nor compare his prowess with yours.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Him you mean whom I spared on the Gorgonidonian  plains, where Bumbomachides Clytomestoridysarchides, the grandson of Neptune, was the chief commander?

ARTOTROGUS: I remember him; him, I suppose, you mean with the golden armour, whose legions you puffed away with your breath just as the wind blows away leaves or the reed-thatched roof.

PYRGOPOLINICES: That, on my troth, was really nothing at all.

ARTOTROGUS: Faith, that really was nothing at all in comparison with other things I could mention--(aside) which you never did. If any person ever beheld a more perjured fellow than this, or one more full of vain boasting, faith let him have me for himself, I'll resign myself for his slave; if 'tis not the fact that my one mess of olive pottage is eaten up by me right ravenously.

PYRGOPOLINICES: Where are you?

ARTOTROGUS: Lo! here am I. I' troth in what a fashion it was you broke the fore-leg of even an elephant, in India, with your fist.

PYRGOPOLINICES: How?--the fore-leg?

ARTOTROGUS: I meant to say this--the thigh.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I struck the blow without an effort.

ARTOTROGUS: Troth, if, indeed, you had put forth your strength, your arm would have passed right through the hide, the entrails, and the frontispiece of the elephant.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I don't care for these things just now.

ARTOTROGUS: I' faith, 'tis really not worth the while for you to tell me of it, who know right well your prowess. (Aside) 'Tis my appetite creates⁶ all these plagues. I must hear him right out with my ears, that my teeth mayn't have time⁷ to grow, and whatever lie he shall tell, to it I must agree.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What was it I was saying?

ARTOTROGUS: O, I know what you were going to say just now. I' faith 'twas bravely done; I remember its being done.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What was that?

ARTOTROGUS: Whatever it was you were going to say.

PYBG.: Have you got your tablets?

ARTOTROGUS: Are you intending to enlist? I have them, and a pen as well.

PYRGOPOLINICES: How cleverly you do suit your mind to my own mind.

ARTOTROGUS: 'Tis fit that I should know your inclinations studiously, so that whatever you wish should first occur to me.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What do you remember?

ARTOTROGUS : I do remember this. In Cilicia there were a hundred and fifty men, a hundred in Cryphiolathronia¹¹, thirty at Sardis, sixty men of Macedon, whom you slaughtered altogether in one day.

PYRGOPOLINICES: What is the sum total of those men?

ARTOTROGUS: Seven thousand.

PYRGOPOLINICES: It must be as much: you keep the reckoning well.

ARTOTROGUS : Yet I have none of them written down; still, so I remember it was.

PYRGOPOLINICES: By my troth, you have a right good memory.

ARTOTROGUS aside : 'Tis the flesh-pots give it a fillip.

PYRGOPOLINICES: So long as you shall do such as you have done hitherto, you shall always have something to eat: I will always make you a partaker at my table.

ARTOTROGUS: Besides, in Cappadocia, you would have killed five hundred men altogether at one blow, had not your sabre been blunt.

PYRGOPOLINICES: I let them live, because I was quite sick of fighting.

ARTOTROGUS : Why should I tell you what all mortals know, that you, Pyrgopolinices, live alone upon the earth, with valour, beauty, and achievements most unsurpassed? All the women are in love with you, and that not without reason, since you are so handsome. Witness those girls that pulled me by my mantle yesterday.

PYRGOPOLINICES : What was it they said to you?

ARTOTROGUS : They questioned me about you. "Is Achilles here?" says one to me. "No," says I, "his brother is." Then says the other to me: "By my troth, but he is a handsome and a noble man. See how his long hair becomes him Certainly the women are lucky who share his favours."

PYBG. : And pray, did they really say so?

ARTOTROGUS : They both entreated me to bring you past to-day by way of a sight¹³ to them.

PYRGOPOLINICES : 'Tis really a very great plague to be too handsome a man.

ARTOTROGUS : They are quite a nuisance to me; they are praying, entreating, beseeching me, to let them see you; bidding me be fetched to them; so that I can't give my attention to your business.

PYRGOPOLINICES : It seems that it is time for us to go to the Forum, that I may count out their pay to those soldiers whom I have enlisted of late. For King Seleucus¹⁴ entreated me with most earnest suit that I would raise and enlist recruits for him. To that business have I resolved to devote my attention this day.

ARTOTROGUS : Come, let's be going then.

PYRGOPOLINICES : Guards, follow me. (Exeunt.)

PALAESTRIO
To tell the subject of this our play, I have all willingness, if you will but have the kindness to listen to it. But he who does not wish to listen, let him arise and go out, that there may be room where he may sit who does wish to listen. Now I will disclose to you both the subject and the name of the play which we are just now about to act, and for the sake of which you are now seated in this mirthful place², "Alazon" is the name³, in Greek, of this Comedy; the same we call in Latin. "the Braggart" (Gloriosus). This city is Ephesus; then, the Captain, my master, who has gone off hence to the Forum, a bragging, impudent, stinking fellow, brimful of lying and lasciviousness, says that all the women are following him of their own accord. Wherever he goes, he is the laughing.stock of all; and so, the Courtesans here--since they make wry mouths at him, you may see the greater part of them with lips all awry. I wish you now to know this, how I came to be his slave, from him to whom I was servant before; for 'tis not long that I lave been in slavery to him. Give your attention, for now I will begin the argument. A very worthy young man at Athens was my master. He was in love with a Courtesan, brought up at Athens, in Attica, and she on the other hand loved him; such affection is most worthy to be cherished. In the public service, he was sent to Naupactus⁴ as Ambassador on behalf of that mighty republic. In the mean time, by chance, this Captain came to Athens. He introduced himself to this lady of my master, began to cajole her mother with presents of wine, trinkets, and costly treats; and so the Captain made himself on intimate terms with the procuress. As soon as ever an opportunity was presented for this Captain, he tricked this procuress, the mother of the damsel, whom my master loved. For, unknown to her mother, he put the daughter on board ship, and carried this woman, against her will, hither to Ephesus. Soon as I knew that the lady of my master was carried off from Athens, as quickly as ever I was able, I procured for myself a ship: I embarked, that I might carry tidings of this matter to my master at Naupactum. When we had got out to sea, some pirates, as they had hoped to do, took that ship on board of which I was; thus I was undone before I reached my master, for whom I had commenced to proceed on my voyage. He that took me, gave me as a present to this same Captain. After he had taken me home to his own house, I saw there that favorite of my master who lived at Athens. When, on the other hand, she perceived me, she gave me a sign with her eyes not to address her by name. Afterwards, when there was an opportunity, the damsel complained to me of her hard fate. She said that she wished to escape to Athens from this house, that she was attached to him, that master of mine who lived at Athens, and that she had never hated any one more thoroughly than this same Captain. As I discovered the feelings of the damsel, I took tablets, sealed them in private, and gave them to a certain merchant to carry to him (my master, I mean, who was at Athens, and who had so loved her), in order that he might come hither. He did not slight the message, for he both is come, and is lodging here next door, with his host, a friend of his father's, a nice old man. He, too, gives every assistance to his guest in his amour, and encourages and seconds us with his help and his advice. Therefore, here (pointing to the CAPTAIN'S house) , in-doors, I have found a grand contrivance, by which to cause these lovers, each, to meet the other. For one room, which the Captain gave to his mistress for no one but herself to set foot in, in that same room I have dug a hole through the party-wall, in order that there may secretly be an ingress for the damsel from the one house to the other. And this I have done with the knowledge of the old gentleman; 'twas he that gave the advice. But my fellow-servant, whom the Captain has given as a keeper to his mistress, is a person of no great worth. By clever contrivances and ingenious devices, we will throw dust⁵ in his eyes, and we will make him so as not to see what he really does see. And that you may not hereafter make mistakes, this damsel to-day, in this house and in that, will perform in turn a double part, and will be the same, but will pretend to be another, person. Thus will the keeper of the damsel be gulled. But there is a noise⁶ at the door here of the old gentleman, our neighbour. 'Tis himself coming out 'tis he, the nice old man that I was speaking of. (He retires to a distance.

PERIPLECOMENUS speaking to his servants within  :  Faith, if you don't in future smash his ankle-bones for any stranger that you see on my tiles, I will cut you so with lashes as to make thongs of your sides. My neighbours, i' faith, are overlookers of what is going on in my own house; so often are they peeping down through the skylight¹. And now, therefore, I give you all notice, whatever person of this Captain's household you shall see upon our tiles, except Palaestrio only, push him headlong here into the street. Suppose he says that he is following some hen, or pigeon, or monkey; woe be to you, if you don't badly maul the fellow even to death. And so, that they may commit no infringement against the laws of dice², do you take good care that they keep holiday at home without any ankle-bones at all.

PALAESTRIO aside : Something amiss,--what, I know not, has been done him by our family so far as I can hear, inasmuch as the old man has ordered the ankles of my fellow-servants to be broken. But he has excepted me; nothing care I what he does to the rest of them. I'll accost the old man. (Advances.)

PERIPLECOMENUS : The person that is coming this way, is he coming towards me? He comes as if he was coming to me.

PALAESTRIO : How do you do, Periplecomenus?

PERIPLECOMENUS : There are not many men, if I were to wish, whom I would rather now see and meet with than yourself.

PALAESTRIO : What's the matter? What disturbance have you with our family?

PERIPLECOMENUS : We are done for.

PALAESTRIO
What's the matter?

PERIPLECOMENUS : The thing's discovered.

PALAESTRIO : What thing's discovered?

PERIPLECOMENUS : Some one just now of your household was looking in from the tiles through our skylight at Philocomasium and my guest as they were toying together.

PALAESTRIO : What person saw it?

PERIPLECOMENUS : Your fellow-servant.

PALAESTRIO : Which person was it?

PERIPLECOMENUS : I don't know; he took himself off so suddenly--in an instant.

PALAESTRIO : I suspect I'm ruined.

PERIPLECOMENUS : When he went away, I cried: "Hallo! you sir!" said I, "what are you doing upon the tiles?" As he went away he replied to me in these terms, that he was following a stray'd monkey.

PALAESTRIO : Woe to wretched me! that I must be ruined for a worthless beast. But is Philocomasium there with you even still?

PERIPLECOMENUS : When I came out, she was there.

PALAESTRIO : If she is, then bid her return to our house as soon as ever she can, that the servants may see that she is at home; unless, indeed, she wishes that we, who are slaves, her fellow- slaves, should all be given up together to tortures by the cross on account of her courting.

PERIPLECOMENUS : I bade her do so; unless you would aught else.

PALAESTRIO : I would. Tell her this: that, by my troth, she must not hesitate at all to bring in play her skill and cleverness.

PERIPLECOMENUS : In what way?

PALAESTRIO : That by her words she may persuade him who saw her here at your house, that he did not see her. Should he accuse her, on the other hand let her convince him with her oath. Even though she were seen a hundred times over, still let her deny it. Aside. For, if she is at all inclined to ill, a woman never goes begging⁴ to the gardener for material, she has a garden at home and a stock of her own for all mischievous contrivances; at home she has impudence, a lying tongue, perfidiousness, malice, and boldness, self-conceit, assurance, and deceitfulness,--at home she has wiles,--at home captivating contrivances,--stratagems at home.

PERIPLECOMENUS : I'll tell her this, if she shall be in-doors here pointing to his house . But what is it, Palaestrio, that you are considering with yourself in your mind?

PALAESTRIO : Be silent a moment, while I am calling a council in my mind, and while I am considering what I am to do, what plan I must contrive, on the other hand, as a match for my crafty fellow-servant, who has seen her billing here in your house; so that what was seen may not have been seen.

PERIPLECOMENUS : Do contrive one; in the meantime, I'll retire hence to a distance from you, to this spot. He retires to a distance. Look at him, please to the AUDIENCE , revolving his cares with brow severe, how he stands. He strikes his breast with his fingers I fancy he's about to call his heart outside. See, he shifts his posture; again he places his left hand upon his left thigh. His right hand is reckoning down his plans upon his fingers; in despair he strikes his thigh. His right hand is moving rapidly⁶; with difficulty does it suggest what he is to do. He snapshis fingers now; he's striving hard; full oft he changes his position. But see how he shakes his head; it pleases him not what he has hit upon. Whatever it is, nothing crude will he bring forth, something well-digested will he produce. But see, he is building; he has placed his hand as a pillar⁷ beneath his chin. Have done with it in truth, this mode of building pleases me not; for I have heard say that the head of a foreign Poet⁸ is wont to be supported thus, over whom two guards are ever at all hours keeping watch. Bravo! how becomingly he stands,--i' faith, how like a very slave⁹, and how faithful to his part. Never, this day,will he rest, before he has completed that which he is in search of. He has it, I suspect. Come--to the business you're about: keep wide awake, think not of sleep; unless, indeed, you wish to be keeping your watch here all checquered o'er with stripes. 'Tis T, that am talking to you; schemer, don't you know that I am speaking to you? Palaestrio! awake, say; arouse yourself, I say; 'tis daylight now, I say.

PALAESTRIO : I hear you.

PERIPLECOMENUS : Don't you see that the enemy is upon you, and that siege is being laid to your back? Take counsel, then; obtain aid and assistance in this matter; the hastily, not the leisurely, is befitting here. Get the start of them in some way, and in some direction this moment lead around your troops. Close round the enemy in siege; prepare the convoy for our side. Cut off the enemy's provision, secure yourself a passage, by which supplies and provision may be enabled in safety to reach yourself and your forces. Look to this business; the emergency is sudden. Invent--contrive--this instant give us some clever plan; so that that which has been seen here within, may not have been seen; that which has been done, may not have been done. There, my man, you undertake a great enterprise; lofty the defences which you erect. If you yourself alone but say you undertake this, I have a certainty that we are able to rout our foes.

PALAESTRIO : I do say so, and I do undertake it.

PERIPLECOMENUS : And I do pronounce that you shall obtain that which you desire.

PALAESTRIO : May Jupiter kindly bless you then!

PERIPLECOMENUS : But, friend, do you impart to me the plan which you have devised.

PALAESTRIO : Be silent, then, while I am inducting you in the direction of my devices; that you may know as well as my own self my plans.

PERIPLECOMENUS : The same you shall receive safe from the same spot where you have deposited them.

PALAESTRIO : My master is surrounded with the hide of an elephant, not his own, and has no more wisdom than a stone.

PERIPLECOMENUS : I myself know the same thing.

PALAESTRIO : Now, thus I would begin upon my plan; this contrivance I shall act upon. I shall say that her other own twin-sister has come here from Athens, with a certain person, her lover, to Philocomasium, as like to her as milk is to milk. I shall say that they are lodged and entertained here in your house.

PERIPLECOMENUS : Bravo! bravo! cleverly thought of. I approve or your device.

PALAESTRIO : So that, if my fellow-servant should accuse her before the Captain, and say that he has seen her here at your house, toying with another man, I shall assert, on the other hand, that my fellow-servant has seen the other one, the sister, at your house, fondling and toying with her own lover.

PERIPLECOMENUS : Aye, most excellent. I'll say the same, if the Captain shall inquire of me.

PALAESTRIO : But do you say that they are extremely alike; and this must be imparted in time to Philocomasium, in order that she may know; that she mayn't be tripping if the Captain should question her.

PERIPLECOMENUS : A very clever contrivance. But if the Captain should wish to see them both in company together, what shall we do then?

PALAESTRIO : That's easy enough. Three hundred excuses may be picked up--she is not at home; she has gone out walking; she is asleep; she is dressing; she is bathing; she is at breakfast; she is taking dessert; she is engaged; she is enjoying her rest; in fact, she can't come. There are as many of these put-offs as you like, if I can only persuade him at the very outset to believe that to be true which shall be contrived.

PERIPLECOMENUS : I like what you say.

PALAESTRIO : Go in-doors then; and if the damsel's there, bid her return home directly, and instruct and tutor her thoroughly in this plan, that she may understand our scheme, as we have begun it, about the twin-sister.

PERIPLECOMENUS : I'll have her right cleverly tutor'd for you. Is there anything else?

PALAESTRIO : Only, be off in-doors.

PERIPLECOMENUS : I'm off. (Exit.) PALAESTRIO alone.

PALAESTRIO : And I'll go home, too; and I'll conceal the fact that I am giving her my aid in seeking out the man, which fellow-servant of mine it was, that to-day was following the monkey. For it cannot be but in his conversation he must have made some one of the household acquainted about the lady of his master, how that he himself has seen her next door here toying with some stranger spark. I know the habit myself; "I can't hold my tongue on that which I know alone." If I find out the person who saw it, I'll plant against him all> my mantelets and covered works. The material is prepared; 'tis a sure matter that I must take this person by force, and by thus besieging him. If so I don't find the man, just like a hound I'll go smelling about, even until I shall have traced out the fox by his track. But our door makes a noise: I'll lower my voice; for here is the keeper of Philocomasium, my fellow-servant, coming out of doors. (Stands aside.)

SCELEDRUS : Unless, in fact, I have been walking this day in my sleep upon the tiles, i' faith, I know for sure that I have seen here, at our neighbour's next door, Philocomasium, the lady of my master, on the high road¹ to mischief to herself.

PALAESTRIO aside : 'Twas he that saw her billing, so far as I have heard him say.

SCELEDRUS : Who's that?

PALAESTRIO : Your fellow-servant. How are you, Sceledrus?

SCELEDRUS : I am glad that I have met you, Palaestrio.

PAT. : What now? Or what's the matter? Let me know.

SCELEDRUS : I'm afraid.

PALAESTRIO : What are you afraid of?

SCELEDRUS : By my troth, lest, this day, as many domestics as there are of us here, we shall jump into a most woful punishmient by way of torture.

PALAESTRIO : Jump you alone, please; for I don't at all like this jumping in² and jumping out.

SCELEDRUS : Perhaps you don't know what new mischance has happened at home?

PALAESTRIO : What mischance is this?

SCELEDRUS : A disgraceful one.

PALAESTRIO : Do you then keep it to yourself alone: don't tell it me; I don't want to know it.

SCELEDRUS : But I won't let you not know it. To-day I was following our monkey upon the tiles, next door there. Points to the house.

PALAESTRIO : By my troth, Sceledrus, a worthless fellow, you were following a worthless beast.

SCELEDRUS : The Gods confound you!

PALAESTRIO : That befits yourself, since you began the conversation.

SCELEDRUS : By chance, as it happened, I looked down there through the skylight, into the next house; and there I saw Philocomasium toying with some strange young man, I know not whom.

PALAESTRIO : What scandalous thing is this I hear of you, Sceledrus?

SCELEDRUS : I' faith, I did see her, beyond a doubt.

PALAESTRIO : What, yourself?

SCELEDRUS : Yes, I myself, with these eyes of mine.

PALAESTRIO : Get away, it isn't likely what you say, nor did you see her.

SCELEDRUS : Do I, then, appear to you as if I were purblind?

PALAESTRIO : 'Twere better for you to ask the doctor about that. But, indeed, if the Gods only love you, don't you rashly father this³ idle story. Now are you breeding thence a fatal dilemma for your legs and head; for, in two ways, the cause is contrived for you to be ruined, unless you put a check upon your foolish chattering.

SCELEDRUS : But how, two ways?

PALAESTRIO : I'll tell you. First then, if you falsely accuse Philocomasium, by that you are undone; in the next place, if it is true, having been appointed her keeper, there you are undone.

SCELEDRUS : What may happen to me, I know not; I know for certain that I did see this.

PALAESTRIO : Do you persist in it, unfortunate wretch?

SCELEDRUS : What would you have me say to you, but that I did see her? Moreover, she is in there, next door, at this very moment.

PALAESTRIO : What! Isn't she at home?

SCELEDRUS : Go and see. Go in-doors yourself; for I don't ask now for any confidence to be put in me.

PALAESTRIO : I'm determined to do so.

SCELEDRUS : I'll wait here for you. PALAESTRIO goes into the CAPTAIN'S house. SCLEDRUS, alone.

SCELEDRUS : In this direction will I be on the watch for her, how soon the heifer may betake herself from the pasture this way towards her stall. What now shall I do? The Captain gave me to her as her keeper. Now, if I make a discovery, I'm undone; if I am silent, still I am undone, if this should be discovered. What is there more abandoned or more daring than a woman? While I was upon the tiles, this woman betook herself out of doors from her dwelling. By my troth, 'twas a brazen act she did. If, now, the Captain were to know of this, i' faith, I believe he would pull down the whole entire house next door, and me he would send to the gibbet.⁴. Whatever comes of it, i' faith, I'll hold my tongue rather than come to a bad end. I cannot keep effectual guard on a woman that puts herself up for sale. Enter PALAESTRIO from the CAPTAIN's house.

PALAESTRIO : Sceledrus, Sceledrus, what one man is there on earth more impudent than yourself? Who more than yourself has been born with the Deities hostile and enraged?

SCELEDRUS : What's the matter?

PALAESTRIO : Do you want those eyes of yours gouged out, with which you see what never existed?

SCELEDRUS : How, what never existed?

PALAESTRIO : I  would not buy your life at the price of a rotten nut.

SCELEDRUS : Why, what's the matter?

PALAESTRIO : What's the matter, do you ask?

SCELEDRUS : And why shouldn't I ask?

PALAESTRIO : Why don't you beg for that tongue of yours to be cut out, that prates so at random?

SCELEDRUS : Why should I beg for that?

PALAESTRIO : Why, Philocomasium is there at home, she whom you were saying that you had seen next door kissing and toying with another man.

SCELEDRUS : 'Tis a wonder that you are in the habit of feeding on darnel⁵, with wheat at so low a price.

PALAESTRIO : Why so?

SCELEDRUS : Because you are so dim of sight.

PALAESTRIO : You gallows-bird, 'tis you, indeed, that are blind, with a vengeance, and not dim of sight; for, sure enough, there she is at home.

SCELEDRUS : How? At home?

PALAESTRIO : At home, i' faith, undoubtedly.

SCELEDRUS : Be off with you; you are playing with me, Palaestrio

PALAESTRIO : My hands are dirty, then.

SCELEDRUS : How so?

PALAESTRIO : Because I am playing with dirt.

SCELEDRUS : A mischief on your head.

PALAESTRIO : Nay rather, Sceledrus, it shall be on yours, I promise you, unless you change for fresh your eyes and your talk. But our door made a noise.

SCELEDRUS : Well, I shall watch here out of doors, for there is no way by which she can pass hence in-doors, except through the front door.

PALAESTRIO : But there she is, at home. I don't know, Scledrus, what mischief is possessing you.

SCELEDRUS : I see for my own self, I judge for my own self, I have especial faith in my own self: no man shall frighten me out of it, but that she is in that house. Points to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS. Here I'll take my stand, that she may not steal out home without my knowledge.

PALAESTRIO : (aside) This fellow is in my hands; now will I drive him from his strong hold. (To SCLEDRUS) Do you wish me now to make you own that you don't see correctly?

SCELEDRUS : Come, do it then.

PALAESTRIO : And that you neither think aright in your mind, nor yet make use of your eyes?

SCELEDRUS : I'd have you do it.

PALAESTRIO : Do you say, then that the lady of your master is there in that house?

SCELEDRUS : I assert, as well, that I saw here here in this house (points to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS) , toying with a strange man.

PALAESTRIO : Don't you know that there is no communication between our house here and that one?

SCELEDRUS : I know it.

PALAESTRIO : Neither by the terrace⁶, nor by the garden, only through the skylight?

SCELEDRUS : I know it.

PALAESTRIO : What then, if she is now at home? If I shall make her, so as you may see her,come out hence from our house, are you not deserving of many a lashing?

SCELEDRUS I am so deserving.

PALAESTRIO Watch that door, then, that she may not privily betake herself out thence without your knowledge and pass here into our house.

SCELEDRUS 'Tis my intention to do so.

PALAESTRIO Upon her feet will I place her this moment here before you in the street.

SCELEDRUS Come, then, and do so. PALAESTRIO goes into the CAPTAIN's house. SCLEDRUS, alone.

SCELEDRUS I wish to know whether I did see that which I did see, or whether he can do that which he says he can do — make her to be at home. For, really, I have eyes of my own, and I don't ever ask to borrow them out of doors. But this fellow is forever fawning about her; he is always near her; he is called first to meat; his mess is given⁸ to him first. For this fellow has been, perhaps, about three years with us; nor fares it better with any other servant in our family than with him. But it is necessary for me to mind what I am about; to keep my eye upon this door. If I take my station here, this way, in faith, I warrant they will never impose on me.

PALAESTRIO (speaking to her in a low voice as he enters) Be sure to remember my instructions.

PHILOCOMASIUM (aside) It's strange you should so often remind me.

PALAESTRIO (aside) But I fear you may not prove cunning enough.

PHILOCOMASIUM (aside) Give me even ten scholars, though far from artful, I could instruct them so as to prove artful; in me alone is there a superabundance of artfulness; come, then, now put your plans in force; I'll step aside here. (Steps aside.)

PALAESTRIO What have you to say, Scledrus?

SCELEDRUS (not lifting up his eyes) I'm about this business of mine; I have got ears, say what you please.

PALAESTRIO I think that in that self-same position¹ you will have to die outside the gates, when, with hands outstretched, you will be carrying your cross.

SCELEDRUS For what reason so?

PALAESTRIO Just look on your left hand; who is that lady?

SCELEDRUS looking . O ye immortal Gods, it really is the lady of my master!

PALAESTRIO I' faith, so she seems to me as well. Do then, now, since so you would have it----

SCELEDRUS Do what?

PALAESTRIO Die this very instant.

PHILOCOMASIUM advancing . Where is this faithful servant, who has falsely accused me in my innocence of this most heinous crime?

PALAESTRIO See, here he is; 'tis he that told it me,--assuredly 'twas he.

PHILOCOMASIUM Villain, did you say that you had seen me next door here kissing?

PALAESTRIO Besides, he said it was with some strange young man.

SCELEDRUS I' faith, I did. say so, undoubtedly.

PHILOCOMASIUM You, saw me?

SCELEDRUS Yes, with these self-same eyes.

PHILOCOMASIUM I fancy you will lose those eyes, which see more than what they really do see.

SCELEDRUS By my faith, I shall never be intimidated from having seen what I really did see.

PHILOCOMASIUM In my foolishness I am delaying too long in parleying with this madman, whom, by the powers, I'll punish with death.

SCELEDRUS Forbear to threaten me: I know that the cross will prove my tomb; there are laid my forefathers, my father, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandfather. 'Tis not in possibility, however, for these eyes of mine to be dug out² by your threats. But I want a few words with you; prithee, Palaestrio, whence came she hither?

PALAESTRIO Whence but from our house?

SCELEDRUS From our house?

PALAESTRIO Do you credit me?

SCELEDRUS I do credit you: but 'tis a thing to be wondered at, how she has been able to return from that house to ours. For, beyond a doubt, we have neither a terrace to our house, nor any garden, nor any window but what is latticed⁴. To PHILOCOMASIUM. But, undoubtedly, I did see you in the house next door.

PALAESTRIO Do you persist, you rascal, in pretending to accuse her?

PHILOCOMASIUM In good sooth, then, the dream has not turned out untrue, that I dreamed last night.

PALAESTRIO What did you dream?

PHILOCOMASIUM I'll tell you; but, I pray you, give attention. Last night, in my sleep, my twin-sister seemed to have come from Athens to Ephesus with a certain person, her lover. Both of them seemed to me to be having their lodgings here next door.

PALAESTRIO to the AUDIENCE . The dream that's being related is Palaestrio's--pray, go on.

PHILOCOMASIUM I seemed to be delighted because my sister had come, and on her account I seemed to be incurring a most grievous suspicion. For, in my sleep, my own servant seemed to accuse me, as you are now doing, of being caressed by a strange young man, whereas it was that own twin-sister of mine, who had been toying with her own friend. Thus did I dream that I was wrongfully accused of a crime.

PALAESTRIO And isn't just the same thing befalling you when awake, that you speak of as seen in your sleep? Capital; i' faith, the dream is verified: go in-doors, and pray⁵. I should recommend that this be told to the Captain.

PHILOCOMASIUM I am resolved to do so; nor, in fact, will I allow myself, with impunity, to be accused of disgraceful conduct. Goes into the CAPTAIN'S house.

SCELEDRUS I fear for the thing I have done; my back does so tingle all over.

PALAESTRIO Are you not aware that you are done for?

SCELEDRUS Now, indeed, I'm sure she is at home; I am now resolved to watch our door, wheresoever she may be. Places himself at the door.

PALAESTRIO But, prithee, Sceledrus, how very like the dream she dreamt to what has happened; and how you really did believe that you had seen her kissing. * * * * *

SCELEDRUS And do you suppose that I didn't see her?

PALAESTRIO I' faith, I verily believe you'll come to your senses when 'tis too late. If this matter should only reach our master, you certainly are undone.

SCELEDRUS Now, at length, I find out that there was a mist placed before my eyes.

PALAESTRIO I' faith, that really has been plain for some time now; as she was here in-doors all the while.

SCELEDRUS Not a word of certainty have I to utter; I did not see her, although I did see her.

PALAESTRIO By my troth, through this folly of yours you certainly have nearly ruined us; while you have wished to prove yourself faithful to your master, you have been almost undone. But the door of our next neighbour makes a noise; I'll be silent.

PHILOCOMASIUM to a servant SERVANT . Put fire on the altar, that in my joy I may return praises and thanks to Diana of Ephesus, and that I may send up for her a grateful smoke with odours of Arabia: she who has preserved me in the realms of Neptune and amid the boisterous temples², where with raging billows I have been so recently dismayed.

SCELEDRUS discovering her . Palaestrio! O Palaestrio!

PALAESTRIO Sceledrus! O Sceledrus! What is it you want?

SCELEDRUS This lady that has come out of that house just now--is she Philocomasium, our master's lady, or is she not?

PALAESTRIO I' faith, I think, it seems to be she. But 'tis a wondrous thing how she could pass from our house to next door; if, indeed, it is she.

SCELEDRUS And have you any doubt that this is she?

PALAESTRIO It seems to be she.

SCELEDRUS Let us approach her, and accost her. Hallo! how's this, Philocomasium? What is there owing to you in that house? What is your business there? Why are you silent now? I am speaking to you.

PALAESTRIO No, faith, you are talking to yourself; for nothing at all does she answer.

SCELEDRUS I am addressing you, woman, brimful of viciousness and disgrace, who are roaming about among your neighbours.

PHILOCOMASIUM To whom are you talking?

SCELEDRUS To whom but to yourself?

PHILOCOMASIUM What person are you? Or what business have you with me?

SCELEDRUS O, you ask me who I am, do you?

PHILOCOMASIUM Why shouldn't I ask that which I don't know?

PALAESTRIO Who am I, then, if you don't know him?

PHILOCOMASIUM You are an annoyance to me, whoever you are, both you and he.

SCELEDRUS What? don't you know us?

PHILOCOMASIUM No, neither of you.

SCELEDRUS I very much fear----

PALAESTRIO What do you fear?

SCELEDRUS Why, that we have lost ourselves somewhere or other; for she says that she knows neither you nor me.

PALAESTRIO I wish, Sceledrus, to examine into this, whether we are ourselves, or else some other persons; lest secretly somehow some one of our neighbours may have transformed us without our knowing it.

SCELEDRUS For my part, beyond a doubt, I am my own self.

PALAESTRIO I' faith, and so am I.

SCELEDRUS My lady, you are seeking your destruction. To you I am speaking; hark you, Philocomasium!

PHILOCOMASIUM What craziness possesses you, to be calling me wrongly by a crackjaw name³?

SCELEDRUS How now! What are you called, then?

PHILOCOMASIUM My name is Glycera.

SCELEDRUS For a bad purpose, Philocomasium, you wish to have a wrong name⁴. Away with you, shocking woman; for most notably are you doing a wrong to my master.

PHILOCOMASIUM I?

SCELEDRUS Yes, you.

PHILOCOMASIUM I, who arrived from Athens yesterday evening at Ephesus, with my lover, a young man of Athens?

SCELEDRUS Tell me, what business have you here in Ephesus?

PHILOCOMASIUM I had heard that my own twin-sister is here in Ephesus; I came here to look for her.

SCELEDRUS You're a good-for-nothing woman.

PHILOCOMASIUM Yes, i' faith, I am a very foolish one to be parleying with you fellows. I am going.

SCELEDRUS I won't let you go. Catches hold of her.

PHILOCOMASIUM Let me go.

SCELEDRUS You are discovered in the fact. I won't let you go.

PHILOCOMASIUM But my hands shall just now sound again against your cheek, if you don't let me go.

SCELEDRUS to PALAESTRIO . Why the plague are you standing idle? Why don't you hold her on the other side?

PALAESTRIO I don't choose to bring the business down upon my back. How do I know but that this is not Philocomasium, but is some other female that resembles her?

PHILOCOMASIUM Will you let me go, or will you not let me go?

SCELEDRUS No; by force and against your will, in spite of you, I'll drag you home, unless you'll go of your own accord.

PHILOCOMASIUM pointing to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS . This is my lodging here abroad, at Athens is my home.

SCELEDRUS But your master lives here pointing to the CAPTAIN'S house .

PHILOCOMASIUM I have nothing to do with that house, nor do I know or understand yourselves what persons you are.

SCELEDRUS Proceed against me at law. I'll never let you go, until you give me your solemn word that you will go indoors here pointing to the CAPTAIN'S house if I let go of you.

PHILOCOMASIUM You are compelling me by force, whoever you are. I give you my word, that if you let go of me, I will go into that house where you bid me.

SCELEDRUS Then, now I let go of you.

PHILOCOMASIUM
And, as I'm let go, I'll go in here. Runs into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.

SCELEDRUS She has acted with a woman's honour.

PALAESTRIO Sceledrus, you've lost the prey through your hands; as sure as possible she is the lady of our master. Do you intend to act in this matter with spirit?

SCELEDRUS How am I to act?

PALAESTRIO Bring me a sword out here from in-doors.

SCELEDRUS What will you do with it?

PALAESTRIO I'll break right into the house ; and whatever man I see in-doors there caressing Philocomasium, I'll behead him on the spot.

SCELEDRUS And do you think that it was she?

PALAESTRIO I' faith, it was she, sure enough.

SCELEDRUS But how she did dissemble.

PALAESTRIO Go, bring me a sword out here.

SCELEDRUS I'll have it here this moment. Goes into the CAPTAIN'S house. PALAESTRIO alone.

PALAESTRIO Beyond a doubt, neither any horse nor foot has so great a degree of boldness in carrying out anything with as much confidence as some women. How cleverly and how skilfully she performed her part in both her characters!--how her wary keeper, my fellow-servant, is being gulled! 'Tis most fortunate that the passage communicates through the party-wall. Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN's house.

SCELEDRUS Hallo! Palaestrio, there's no occasion for the sword.

PALAESTRIO How so?--or what's the matter now?

SCELEDRUS Our master's lady is there, at home.

PALAESTRIO What? At home?

SCELEDRUS She's lying on the sofa.

PALAESTRIO Faith, but you've certainly brought on yourself a disagreable affair, according to what you report.

SCELEDRUS How so?

PALAESTRIO Inasmuch as you have dared to touch that lady next door here.

SCELEDRUS I' faith, I fear it much. But no one shall ever make her to be any other than her own twin-sister.

PALAESTRIO 'Twas she, in troth, that you saw toying: and, in fact, 'tis plain that it is she, as you remark.

SCELEDRUS What was there more likely than that I should have been undone, if I had spoken of it to my master.

PALAESTRIO Then, if you're wise, you'll hold your tongue. It befits a servant to know of more than he speaks. I'm going to leave you, that I may not at all participate in your designs. And I shall go to our neighbour here; these turmoils of yours don't please me. My master, if he comes, should he inquire for me, I shall be there; send for me next door. Goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.

SCLEDRUS, alone.

SCELEDRUS Well, he's off; nor cares he any more for his master's business than if he were not in his service. For sure she really is now here in-doors in the house, for I myself found her just now lying down in our house. I am resolved now to employ myself in watching. Places himself against the CAPTAIN'S door. Enter PERIPLECOMENUS from his house.

PERIPLECOMENUS Faith, but these men here, these servants of my neighbour the Captain, take me not to be a man, but a woman, so much do they trifle with me. My lady guest, who came here yesterday from Athens with the gentleman, my guest, is she to be mauled about and made fun of here in the street--a lady, free-born and free?

SCELEDRUS aside . By my troth, I'm undone. He's coming in a straight line up towards me. I fear that this matter may cause me great trouble, so far as I have heard this old gentleman speak.

PERIPLECOMENUS I'll up to this fellow. Was it you, Sceledrus, source of mischief, that were just now making fun of my lady guest before the house?

SCELEDRUS Good neighbour, listen, I beg.

PERIPLECOMENUS I, listen to you?

SCELEDRUS I wish to clear myself.

PERIPLECOMENUS You, clear yourself to me, who have done an action so gross and so unbecoming? And because you are soldiers¹, do you suppose, you gallows-bird, that you may do what you like with us?

SCELEDRUS May I----?

PERIPLECOMENUS But so may all the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, if a punishment with the rod² is not given to you at my request, a long and lasting one, from morning to evening; because you have been breaking my gutters and my tiles, while you were following there a monkey like your own self³; because, too, you have been peeping down from there at my guest in my house, when he was caressing and fondling his mistress; besides, you have dared to accuse the chaste lady of your master of criminality, and myself of a heinous offence; and further, because you have dared to maul about my lady guest before my house. If the punishment of the whip is not given to you, I will cause your master to be more laden with disgrace than the sea is full of waves in a heavy storm.

SCELEDRUS I am driven to such straits, Periplecomenus, that I don't know whether it is fitter for me rather to dispute this matter with you, or whether, if she is not our lady, and if our lady was not seen by me, it seems more proper for me to excuse myself to you; as even now I don't know which I saw, so like is that guest of yours to our lady--if, indeed, she is not the same person.

PERIPLECOMENUS Go into my house and look: you'll soon see.

SCELEDRUS May I go?

PERIPLECOMENUS Why, I command you; go and examine at your leisure.

SCELEDRUS I am determined to do so. Goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.

PERIPLECOMENUS probably looking up to a window in the CAPTAIN'S house . Ho! Philocomasium⁴! pass instantly, with all speed, into my house; 'tis absolutely necessary. Afterwards, when Sceledrus shall have come out from my house, pass quickly, with all haste, back again to your own house. By my troth, now, I'm afraid she'll be making some blunder. Should he not see the woman * * * * My door opens. Enter SCLEDRUS from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.

SCELEDRUS O ye immortal Gods! A woman more like, and more the same, who is not the same, I do not think the Gods could make.

PERIPLECOMENUS What now?

SCELEDRUS I certainly merit chastisement.

PERIPLECOMENUS What then? Is it she?

SCELEDRUS Although 'tis she, 'tis not she.

PERIPLECOMENUS Have you seen this lady?

SCELEDRUS I have seen both her and the gentleman, your guest, caressing and kissing.

PERIPLECOMENUS Is it she?

SCELEDRUS I know not.

PERIPLECOMENUS Would you know for certain?

SCELEDRUS I should like to.

PERIPLECOMENUS Go you this instant into your own house: see whether your lady is within.

SCELEDRUS Very well: you've advised me rightly. I'll be out again to you this instant. Goes into the CAPTAIN'S house.

PERIPLECOMENUS I' faith, I never saw any man more cleverly fooled, and by more singular devices. But here he is coming. Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN's house.

SCELEDRUS Periplecomenus, by Gods and men, and by my own folly, and by your knees! I do beseech you----

PERIPLECOMENUS What now?

SCELEDRUS Pardon my ignorance and my folly; now, at length, I know that I am half-witted, blind, and thoughtless; for, behold! Philocomasium is at home.

PERIPLECOMENUS How, then, hang-dog⁵. Have you seen them both?

SCELEDRUS I have seen them.

PERIPLECOMENUS I  wish you to bring your master to me.

SCELEDRUS Indeed, I confess that I deserve a very great punishment; and I own that I have done a wrong to your lady guest. But I thought that she was the lady of my master, to whom the Captain, my master, gave me as a keeper; for it is not possible for water ever to be drawn more like to water from the same well, than is she to this lady guest of yours. And I will confess, as well, that I did look through the skylight into your house.

PERIPLECOMENUS Why shouldn't you confess what I saw myself?

SCELEDRUS And there saw in your house this lady guest of yours, kissing.

PERIPLECOMENUS You saw her?

SCELEDRUS I saw her. Why should I deny what I did see? But I fancied that I had seen Philocomasium.

PERIPLECOMENUS And did you suppose me to be the very vilest of all men, in allowing⁶, with my own knowledge, such an injury so glaringly to be done to my neighbour?

SCELEDRUS Now, at length, I am of opinion that it was done foolishly by me, when I come to understand the matter; but still I did not do it with any ill intent.

PERIPLECOMENUS Yes, but 'twas improperly done; for it befits a person that is a servant to keep his eyes, and hands, and talk, asleep.

SCELEDRUS Now, if after this day I mutter anything, even what I know for certain, give me over to torture; I'll give myself up to you. This time, prithee, do pardon me for this.

PERIPLECOMENUS I shall subdue my feelings, so as to think that it was not done by you with malicious intent. I will pardon you in this matter.

SCELEDRUS May the Gods bless you, then!

PERIPLECOMENUS Troth now, as the Gods may prosper you, really do restrain your tongue henceforth; even that which you do know, don't know, and don't you see what you do see.

SCELEDRUS You counsel me aright; so I'm resolved to do. Are you quite appeased?

PERIPLECOMENUS Away with you.

SCELEDRUS Is there aught else you now require of me?

PERIPLECOMENUS That you would know me not. Makes as if he is departing.

SCELEDRUS aside . He has been cajoling me. How kindly he vouchsafed his favour not to be angry. I know what plan he is upon: that directly the Captain returns home from the Forum, I may be caught at home. He and Palaestrio together have me in their power: I have perceived that, and for some time I've known it. I' faith, never will I be seeking a bait this day from out of that wicker-net⁷. For now somewhither will I betake myself, and for some days will I lie concealed until this turmoil is hushed and their resentment is softened. Enough punishment for my unlucky prating have I already merited. But still, whatever befals me I'll be off hence home. Goes into the CAPTAIN'S house. PERIPLECOMENUS, alone.

PERIPLECOMENUS So he has departed hence. I' faith, I know right well, that a dead pig full oft has more relish⁸ by far than a living one: so bamboozled has he been, that he did not see what he really did see. For his eyes, and ears, and thoughts have come over to us. So far, 'tis right cleverly managed; the lady has played her part most excellently. I'll go back again to my Senate; for Palaestrio is now at home in my house, and now Sceledrus is gone from the door. A full Senate can now be held. I'll go in; lest while I am absent, there should be a distribution of their parts among them. Goes into his house.

PALAESTRIO on entering he calls to PLEUSICLES and PERIPLECOMENUS, who are in the house of the latter . Keep yourselves within  doors, yet a moment, Pleusicles. Let me first look out, that there may be no ambush anywhere, against that council which we intend to hold. For now we have need of a safe place from which no enemy can win the spoils of our counsels. For a well-devised plan is very often filched away, if the place for deliberating has not been chosen with care or with caution; and what is well-advised is ill-advised if it proves of use to the enemy; and if it proves of use to the enemy, it cannot otherwise than prove a detriment to yourself. For if the enemy learn your plans, by your own self-same plans they tie your tongue and bind your hands; and they do the very same to you that you intended to do to them. But I'll spy about, lest any one, either in this direction on the left or on the right, should come like a huntsman on our counsels with his ears like toils. Looks about. Quite vacant is the prospect hence right to the bottom of the street. I'll call them out. Hallo! Periplecomenus and Pleusicles, come out! Enter PERIPLECOMENUS and PLEUSICLES from the house of the former.

PERIPLECOMENUS Behold us here obedient to your call.

PALAESTRIO The sway is easy over the good. But I wish to know, if we are to carry out the matter on the same plan that we formed within?

PERIPLECOMENUS Why, in fact there's nothing can be more conducive to our purpose. Well, what say you, Pleusicles?

PLEUSICLES Can that displease me which pleases yourselves? What person is there more my friend than your own self?

PERIPLECOMENUS You speak kindly and obligingly.

PALAESTRIO Faith, and so he ought to do.

PLEUSICLES But this affair shockingly distresses me, and torments my very heart and body.

PERIPLECOMENUS What is it that torments you? Tell me.

PLEUSICLES That I should cause childish actions in a person of your years, and that I should require of you deeds that neither become yourself nor your virtues; and that, with all your might, for my sake you are striving to aid me in my passion, and are doing actions of such a kind, as, when done, these years of yours are wont rather to avoid than follow. I am ashamed that I cause you this trouble in your old age.

PERIPLECOMENUS You are a person in love after a new fashion. If, in fact, you are ashamed of anything you do, you are nothing of a lover. You are rather the shadow of those who are in love, than a true lover, Pleusicles.

PLEUSICLES Ought I to employ these years of yours in seconding my love?

PERIPLECOMENUS How say you? Do I seem to you so very much a subject for Acheron³? So much a bier's-man⁴? Do I seem to you to have had so very long a life? Why, really, I am not more than four-and-fifty years old; I see clearly with my eyes, I'm ready with my hands, I'm active with my feet.

PALAESTRIO If he is seen by you to have white hair, he is by no means an old man in mind; in him the natural strength of his mind is unimpaired.

PLEUSICLES By my troth, for my part, I have found it to be so as you say, Palaestrio; for, in fact, his kindness is quite that of a young man.

PERIPLECOMENUS Yes, my guest, the more you make trial of it, the more you will know my courtesy towards you in your love.

PLEUSICLES What need to know what's known already?

PERIPLECOMENUS I'll show you more amiability on my part than I'll make mention of * * * * * * * that you may have instances for proving it at home, and not have to seek it out of doors. For unless one has loved himself, with difficulty he sees into the feelings of one in love. But I have some little love and moisture in my body still, and not yet am I dried up for the pursuits of merriment and pleasure. Either the merry banterer likewise, or the agreable boon-companion will I be; no interrupter of another am I at a feast. I bear in mind how properly to keep myself from proving disagreable to my fellow-guests; and how to take a due share with my conversation, and to be silent as well in my turn, when the discourse belongs to another. Far from being a spitter or hawker am I, far from being a dirty-nosed old fellow, too. And never do I take liberties with any person's mistress when out in company; I don't snatch up the dainty bits before another, nor take the cup before my turn; nor, through wine, do dissensions ever arise on my account at the convivial board. If there is any one there that is disagreable, I go off home; I cut the parley short. Stretched at my ease, I devote myself to pleasure, love, and mirth. In fine, at Ephesus was I born, not among the Apulians, not at Animula.

PLEUSICLES O what a most delightful old man, if he possesses the qualities he mentions! Why, troth, surely now, he was brought up in the very rearing of Venus.

PALAESTRIO Why, in fact, you will not find another person who is of his years, more accomplished in every respect, or who is more a friend to his friend.

PLEUSICLES By my troth, your whole manners really do show marks of first-rate breeding. Find me three men of such manners against a like weight in double-distilled gold⁶.

PERIPLECOMENUS I'll make you confess that I really am a youngster in my manners; so abounding in kindnesses will I prove myself to you in every respect. Should you have need of an advocate, severe or fierce? I am he. Have you need of one that is gentle? You shall say that I am more gentle than the sea is when hush'd, and something more balmy will I prove than is the Zephyr breeze. In this same person will I display to you either the most jovial boon-companion, or the first-rate trencher-man⁸, and the best of caterers. Then, as for dancing, there is no ballet-master that is so supple as I.

PALAESTRIO to PLEUSICLES . What could you wish added to these accomplishments, if the option were given you?

PLEUSICLES That thanks could be returned by me to him in degree equal to his deserts, and to yourself, to both of whom I feel that I am now the cause of extreme anxiety. But it is grievous to me to be the cause of so great expense to you.

PERIPLECOMENUS You are a simpleton. For, if you lay anything out on a bad wife and upon an enemy, that is an expense; that which is laid out on a deserving guest and a friend is gain; as that, which is expended upon sacred rites, is a profit to the wise man. By the blessing of the Gods, I have enough, with which to receive you with hospitality in my house. Eat, drink, indulge your tastes with me, and surfeit yourself with enjoyments; my house is at your service, myself likewise do I wish to be at your service. For, through the blessing of the Gods, I may say that, by reason of my wealth, I could have married a dowered wife of the best family; but I don't choose to introduce an everlasting female barker at me into my house.

PLEUSICLES Why don't you choose? For 'tis a delightful thing to be the father of children [liberos].

PERIPLECOMENUS Troth, 'tis very much sweeter by far to be free⁹ [liberum] yourself. For a good wife, if it is possible for her to be married anywhere on earth, where can I find her? But am I to take one home who is never to say this to me, "Buy me some wool, my dear, with which a soft and warm cloak may be made, and good winter under-clothes¹⁰, that you mayn't catch cold this winter-weather;" such an expression as this you can never hear from a wife, but, before the cocks crow, she awakes me from my sleep, and says, "Give me some money, my dear, with which to make my mother a present on the Calends¹¹, give me some money to make preserves; give me something to give on the Quinquatrus¹² to the sorceress¹³, to the woman who interprets the dreams, to the prophetess, and to the female diviner; besides, 'tis impossible for me, in civility, not to fee the expiating woman; for long has¹⁴ the mattress-maker¹⁵ been grumbling, because she has received nothing; besides, the midwife found fault with me, that too little had been sent for her. What! arn't you going to send something to the nurse that brings up the young slaves¹⁶? It's a shame if nothing's sent her; with what a brow¹⁷ she does look at me." These and many other expenses of the women like to these frighten me from a wife, to be uttering speeches to me like to this.

PALAESTRIO In good sooth, the Gods are propitious to you; for so soon as you lose this liberty, you will not easily reinstate yourself in the same condition.

PLEUSICLES You are a person who are able to counsel wisely both for another and for yourself. But 'tis some merit for a man of noble family and of ample wealth to rear children--a memorial of his race and of himself.

PERIPLECOMENUS Since I have many relations, what need have I of children? Now I live well and happily, and as I like, and as contents my feelings. For I shall bequeath my property to my relations, and divide it among them. These, like children, pay attentions to me; they come to see how I do, or what I want; before it is daybreak they are with me; they make inquiry how I have enjoyed my sleep in the night. Them will I have for children who are ever sending presents to me. Are they sacrificing--they give a greater part of it to me than to themselves; they take me home with them to share the entrails¹⁸; they invite me to their houses to breakfast and to dinner. He thinks himself most unfortunate, who has sent but very little to me. They vie with one another with their presents; I say in a low voice to myself: "They are gaping after my property; while, in their emulation, they are nourishing me and loading me with presents."

PALAESTRIO Upon right good grounds and right well do you fully understand yourself and your own interests, and if you are happy, sons twofold and threefold have you.

PERIPLECOMENUS Troth, if I had had them, enough anxiety should I have had from my children. * * * * * * I should have been everlastingly tormented in mind; but if perchance one had had a fever, I think I should have died. Or if one, in liquor, had tumbled anywhere from his horse, I should have been afraid that he had broken his legs or neck on that occasion.

PALAESTRIO 'Tis right that riches should come, and that long life should be granted to this man, who both husbands his property and yet enjoys himself and has kind wishes for his friends.

PLEUSICLES O what a delightful person! So may the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, 'twere right the Deities should so ordain that all should not live after one rule as to the duration of life. Just as he who is a trusty market-officer¹⁹ sets their prices on the wares; as that which is good or valuable is sold according to its excellence, and that which is worthless, according to the faultiness of the commodity, deprives its owner of its price; so were it right that the Gods should. portion out the life of man, so as to give to him who is kindly disposed a long life, and speedily to deprive of existence those who are reprobate and wicked. If they had provided this, bad men would both have been fewer, and with less hardihood would they do their wicked deeds; and then, those who were good men, of them there would have been a more plenteous harvest.

PERIPLECOMENUS He who would blame the ordinances of the Gods must be foolish and ignorant. * * * At present we must at once have an end of these matters; for new I want to go to market, that, my guest, according to your own deserts and mine, I may entertain you hospitably at my house, heartily and with right hearty cheer.

PLEUSICLES I am content with the expense that I have been to you already. For no guest can be thus hospitably entertained by a friend, but that when he has been there three days running, he must now become a bore; but when he is prolonging his stay for ten successive days, he is a nuisance to the household. Although the master willingly allows it, the servants grumble.

PERIPLECOMENUS I have trained up the servants that are in my service, my guest, not to rule over me, or for me to be obedient to them. If that is disagreable to them which is agreable to me, I steer my own course; that which they don't like must still be done at their peril, and whether they like it or no. Now, as I intended, I shall go to market.

PLEUSICLES If you are resolved, do cater somewhat within bounds, at no great expense; anything is enough for me.

PERIPLECOMENUS Won't you now have done with that old-fashioned and antiquated talk? Now surely, guest, you are using the cant of the vulgar. For they are in the habit of saying, when they have taken their places, when dinner is put on table: "What necessity was there for you to go to this great expense on out account? Surely you were mad, for this same dinner was enough for ten persons." What has been provided on their account they find fault with; they eat it up, however.

PALAESTRIO Troth, in that self-same fashion 'tis generally done. How clever and shrewd is his discernment.

PERIPLECOMENUS But these same persons never say, although such an abundance has been provided, "Do order that to be taken off; do take away this dish; remove this gammon of bacon, I'll have none of it; put aside that piece of pork; this conger's good when cold; remove it, take and put it aside." You hear none of them saying this in earnest, but they stretch themselves out, while with half their bodies on the table, they are indulging their appetite.

PALAESTRIO How cleverly the good soul has described their bad manners.

PERIPLECOMENUS I have not said a hundredth part of what I could have enlarged upon had there been leisure for the matter.

PALAESTRIO The business, then, that we are about--to that we ought first to turn our thoughts. Do you both, now, give me your attention. I have need, Periplecomenus, of your assistance; for I have hit upon a pleasant trick, how this Captain with his long locks may be fleeced quite close, and how we may effect a means for Philocomasium, and this her lover, that he may carry her off hence, and have her as his own.

PERIPLECOMENUS I wish this plan to be imparted to me.

PALAESTRIO And I, wish that ring of yours to be imparted to me.

PERIPLECOMENUS For what purpose is it to be used?

PALAESTRIO When I have got it, I will impart the plan of my devices.

PERIPLECOMENUS Take and use it. (Gives him the ring.)

PALAESTRIO Take from me in return the plan of my contrivance that I have hit upon.

PERIPLECOMENUS We are listening to you with most attentive ear.

PALAESTRIO My master is such a shocking rake among the women, that I think no one ever was his equal, nor ever will be.

PERIPLECOMENUS I believe the same as well.

PALAESTRIO He boasts, too, that his beauty exceeds that of Alexander²⁸; and, therefore, he says that all the women in Ephesus of their own accord are courting him.

PERIPLECOMENUS Aye, faith, many there are who could wish³⁰ that you were now telling an untruth about him. But I am convinced full well that it is as you say. For that reason, Palaestrio, do compress your words in as short a compass as ever you possibly can.

PALAESTRIO Can you, then, find any woman of agreable person, whose mind and body are full of merriment and subtlety?

PERIPLECOMENUS Free by birth, or bondwoman made free?

PALAESTRIO I consider that a matter of indifference, so that you find one who is greedy for gain, who supports her body by her charms, who has, too, her senses all awake; as for her heart, that cannot be so, as none of them have one.

PERIPLECOMENUS Do you want one that has taken her degrees, or one as yet a novice in the art?

PALAESTRIO One sober but plump, a juicy bit; as taking a one as ever you can find, and one very young.

PERIPLECOMENUS Why, I have one, a dependant of mine, a courtesan, a very young woman. But what is the occasion for her?

PALAESTRIO For you to bring her home at once to your house as your wife, and, for that reason, to bring her there dressed out, so that she may wear her locks with her hair arranged, and fillets after the fashion of matrons, and may pretend that she is your wife; so you must instruct her.

PERIPLECOMENUS I am at a loss what road you are taking.

PALAESTRIO Well, you shall know. But what sort of a maid has she?

PERIPLECOMENUS She is a rare clever one.

PALAESTRIO We have need of her as well; so give your instructions to the damsel and her maid, to pretend that she is your wife and is doting upon this Captain; and as though she had given this ring to her maid, then she to me, that I might deliver it to the Captain; and I must be as though it were a go-between in this matter.

PERIPLECOMENUS I hear you; don't stun my ears as if I were deaf.

PALAESTRIO I myself will go straightway to him; I'll say that it has been brought and delivered to me from your wife, in order that I might introduce her to him. He'll be distractedly longing for her at home, a scoundrel that cares for nothing else whatever but intriguing.

PERIPLECOMENUS If you had commissioned the Sun himself to search them out, he couldn't have found, better than myself, two more cleverly suited for this business. Be of good courage about it.

PALAESTRIO Take you every care then. There is need of despatch. (Exit PERIPLECOMENUS.)

PALAESTRIO Now, do you listen, Pleusicles.

PLEUSICLES I am all attention to you.

PALAESTRIO Take care of this. When the Captain comes home, do you remember not to call Philocomasium by her name.

PLEUSICLES What am I to call her?

PALAESTRIO Glycera.

PLEUSICLES The same, you mean, that was agreed upon a little time since.

PALAESTRIO Hush!--Be off.

PLEUSICLES I'll remember; but still I don't know what use it is to keep it in my mind.

PALAESTRIO But I will tell you, at the time, when occasion shall require. Meanwhile, be quiet; so that, bye and bye, when he too shall be acting his part³⁴, you may, on the instant, be minding your cue.

PLEUSICLES I'll go in then.

PALAESTRIO Go, and do take care steadily to follow my instructions. PLEUSICLES goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.

PALAESTRIO What mighty turmoils I create! What mighty engines 1 do set to work! This very day I shall take his mistress away from the Captain, if my soldiers are only well drilled¹. But I'll call him out. Goes to the door and calls. Hallo! Sceledrus, if you are not busy, come out to the front of the house; I, Palaestrio, call you. Enter LUCRIO from the CAPTAIN's house.

LUCRIO Sceledrus is not at leisure.

PALAESTRIO Why so?

LUCRIO He's fast asleep, gulping.

PALAESTRIO How, gulping?

LUCRIO He's snoring, 'twas that I meant to say: but, because 'tis very like gulping when you are snoring---- * * * * * * *

PALAESTRIO What ! Is Sceledrus asleep in-doors?

LUCRIO Not with his nose, in fact; for with that he is calling out loud enough.

PALAESTRIO He has taken a cup by stealth; the butler has lately tapped a cask of nardine³. Oho! you rascal, you are his deputy-butler⁴. Oho!

LUCRIO What do you mean?

PALAESTRIO How has he thought fit to go to sleep?

LUCRIO With his eyes, I suppose.

PALAESTRIO I don't ask you that, you vagabond. Step this way: you're undone now, unless I know the truth. Did you draw the wine for him?

LUCRIO I did not draw it.

PALAESTRIO Do you deny it?

LUCRIO I' faith, I do deny it undoubtedly; for he charged me not to tell. I really didn't just⁵ draw for him eight half pints into a pitcher, and, when drawn, he didn't just drink it hot, at his breakfast.

PALAESTRIO And you didn't just drink as well?

LUCRIO The Gods confound me if I did drink--if I could drink.

PALAESTRIO Why so?

LUCRIO Because, in fact, I only sipped; for it was too hot; it burnt my throat.

PALAESTRIO Some are gloriously drunk, while others are drinking vinegar-water. The cellar's trusted to an honest butler, as well as under-butler.

LUCRIO I' faith, you'd be doing the same, if it was entrusted to you. Since you can't follow our example, you are envious now.

PALAESTRIO Come, now, did he ever draw any wine before this? Answer me, you rascal. And, that you may understand it, I give you this notice: if you purposely tell me an untruth, you shall be put to the torture.

LUCRIO Indeed so? That you may inform, forsooth, that I told you; and then I shall be turned out of my fattening post in the cellar, that you may find another under-butler to draw for your own self.

PALAESTRIO On my honour, I will not; come, speak out boldly to me.

LUCRIO By my troth, I never saw him draw any. But thus was it; he requested me, and then I drew it.

PALAESTRIO Think of that now! very frequently, I guess, the casks were standing on their heads⁸ there.

LUCRIO No, faith, the casks would not⁹ have stood so very badly there. But there happened to be in the cellar a bit of a slippery spot; a two-pint pot was placed there, near the casks, in this fashion shows the way . Frequently, that was filled ten times in a day. When the pot acted the reveller, the casks were all tottering.

PALAESTRIO Get you gone in-doors. Both of you, I find, are acting the revellers in the wine-cellar. I' faith, I shall fetch my master home just now from the Forum.

LUCRIO aside . I'm ruined. My master, when he comes home, will have me tortured, when he knows of these doings. I' faith, I'll fly somewhither, and put off this punishment to another day. To the AUDIENCE. Don't you tell him¹⁰, I do entreat you most earnestly. He is going.

PALAESTRIO Whither are you betaking yourself?

LUCRIO I am sent elsewhere: I'll come back here just now.

PALAESTRIO Who has sent you?

LUCRIO Philocomasium.

PALAESTRIO Go; be back directly.

LUCRIO If it is divided, prithee do you only take my share of the punishment while I'm away. (Exit LUCRIO.) PALAESTRIO, alone.

PALAESTRIO So--I understand what scheme the lady is upon. Because Sceledrus is asleep, she has sent her under-keeper away out of doors, whilst she may pass from our house to next door. That's all right. Looks down the street. But Periplecomenus is bringing here a woman of very comely appearance, her, for whom I commissioned him. By my faith, the Gods are helping us in this matter. How becomingly drest she struts along, not like a Courtesan. This business is prospering charmingly in our hands. Stands aside.