SEPTEMBER 9th.
munera gladiatoria quarters
MUNERA GLADIATORIA
Presented by : Marcus Cassius Philippus
| DISCLOSURE: THIS REPORT BY MARCUS CASSIUS
PHILIPPUS PRINTED BELOW IS PURELY A PIECE OF FICTION INTENDED STRICTLY TO
ENTERTAIN THE READER RATHER THAN JUST PUBLISHING THE MUNERA GLADIATORIAL RESULTS IN A STRAIGHT FORWARD AND SOMEWHAT DRY FASHION. NO OFFENSE IS MEANT TO ANYONE OR ANY PLACE REFERRED TO OR MENTIONED IN IT. SO PLEASE JUST ENJOY IT AND TAKE IT LIGHTLY AS A COMIC INTERLUDE IN AN OTHERWISE VERY SERIOUS WORLD. IT INCLUDES SOME OFF COLOR MATERIAL THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR THE WEAK OF STOMACH OR THE TENDER OF SENTIMENT. ROME WAS A BAUDY PLACE AND THIS PIECE OF FICTION WOULD PERHAPS HAVE FIT PERFECTLY WELL IN THAT SOCIETY IF NOT OURS. IF AFTER READING THIS DISCLOSURE YOU WOULD PREFER TO JUST SEE THE RESULTS AND DISREGARD IT TOTALLY, JUST SCROLL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM AND YOU WILL FIND THE QUARTER RESULTS PRINTED THERE AS WELL. MARCUS CASSIUS PHILIPPUS Salvete Civis, Marcus Cassius Philippus is here again with the arena side reports, this time reporting on the Munera Gladiatoria Ludi for Nova Roma Sports. The sky is overcast today and the Amphitheater employees are busy rolling out the awnings to keep everyone as dry as possible if and when it starts to rain. The arena's sand is dry right now and has been raked and made ready for today's sporting venue. The crowd goes to its feet as all the gladiators enter the Arena. They come as a group to the foot of the Consuls' seats and lift their weapons in salute: "Ave Consules, morituri te salutamus." Hail Consuls, we who are about to die salute you. I will skip the long winded political speeches made by both of the Consuls as the gladiators stand in the center of the arena and the crowd in the stands drink and drink and drink. Thank Bacchus that this is the best time of year for wine and this year's wine harvest is the best in many a year. It helps to have a goblet or two while listening to them droll on and on about how many Sesterces and Talents of silver they spent on these game. Yada, yada, yada. The gladiators now run back to the entry gate and disappear back into the bowels of the stadium. Two of them stay in the arena for the first bout. They are a Retiarius named Vir. His contract is owned by Caius Arminius Reccanelus who is actually sitting right next to me today, partying very hardy with much wine and women this afternoon and appears to already be quite inebriated. The other fighter is a Murmillo who goes by the name of Ranhosanus. His contract is owned by Lucius Arminius Faustus who happens to be sitting next to Reccanelus and does not seem to be appreciating the loud antics of Reccanelus. Probably because he hasn't had any wine yet. The gladiators salute each other and approach one another. Ranhosanus has spared us his nose-less visage since his Murmillo helmet hides his grotesqueness quite nicely. Vir is definitely a crowd favorite despite his ugly Germanic looks. What the gladiatorial groupies see in him is beyond me. Yellow hair and the eyes the color of the sea, yuk! Not exactly the picture of a handsome Roman gentleman. Vir starts by swinging his net in a wide arc over his head. There are rumors that he eats lions for breakfast. I can believe it, he is quite the Barbarian and sports numerous scars everywhere on his body. I guess those lions didn't like being his breakfast very much. A little too much roughage for me. Oh no, Vir has caught Ranhosanus by the helmet and is pulling him in for a possible kill. The helmet has come off. This Nova Roma Sports audio broadcast cannot do justice to what the crowd has to now endure by looking at his disgusting nose-less face. He looks like a wild tusk-less boar. Ranhosanus has decided to quickly close the remaining gap between them, his Gladius pointing the way. Vir deftly parries the charge with his trident. His trident continues to circle around and.......Oh, by Jupiter's Divine Behind! He has just nailed Ranhosanus with the butt end of the trident on the right side of his head. Blood is just spurting everywhere. Apparently the Murmillo was a bit off balance in his charge after the parry and since the trident continued circling around to his right side, his scutum was completely useless to him, being on his left arm. Ranhosanus goes to his knees. He's down on his face. The blood is still gushing out and forming a pool around his head. Well this looks like it for him. Faustus is beside himself. He is unhappily passing a full purse to Reccanellus who just spilled what was left of the wine he had in his goblet all over the front of his formerly white tunic. It has been confirmed by the Psychopompo, Ranhosanus is no longer among the living. We must now patiently wait while they drag the corpse from the arena. Vir is the victor of the first match, by a nose! Next up is quite an unusual pairing, two Thracians will be matched. The first to come out is one called Ingvar, who is also owned by Reccanelus. He looks very strong but also very ugly by our exquisite Roman standards, obviously another German. His foe today is Sparcagatus, owned again by none other than Faustus. Very little is known about Sparcagatus since this is his first bout in the Flavian Amphitheater. He is reputed to be from Thracia but this information has not been verified by our censors. Apparently there is a lack of documentation regarding this man, which is why he finds himself in these lowly circumstances in Roma. The two Thraex gladiators salute each other and are now circling each other, scutums up and blades slicing the air in front of their scutums. Sparcagatus approaches Ingvar in a rather feline manner, low but fast. He is distinguishable from his adversary only because of his blue colored scutum. Ingvar is using a green colored one. Otherwise they look almost identical from here because of the similarity of their protective gear and helms. Ingvar jumps up and stabs downward over Spartagatus' scutum. The stabbing attempt is repelled by Spartagatus' helmet, a glancing blow at best. Sparcagatus stands upright. He does not seem to have a sword anymore. By Saturns Holy Scrotum! It is stuck up to the hilt in Ingvar's.....scrotum. Ingvar kneels and slumps slightly forward, his head bowed. A lake of dark red spreads from underneath him out in all directions. He remains there seated peacefully. Sparcagatus grabs Ingvars sword which has now fallen out of Ingvars hand and quickly circles behind him. In a blindingly fast slice, Ingvar's head is lopped off and rolls away. Blood is now spraying up from the neck as well as running down to the vermilion lake below him. Sparcagatus has picked up Ingvar's head by the helmet and is now parading around the arena holding it up shouting something to the crowds. I can't quite make out what he is saying but the crowd is loving every minute of it. Sparcagatus is the victor of the second match with a kill to his credit. Next to me Reccanellus is passing the same purse back to a very contented Faustus. Wait, that's not all. One of Reccanellus' wenches has apparently been part of the bet. A very nice little tart who is now coquettishly sitting on Fausus' lap. Faustus' female companion does not exactly look pleased at this turn of events and abruptly gets up and is leaving with her servants in a huff. She is really pissed off. Oh well, Faustus does not seem to be affected in the least by it and is now nuzzling the cute girl's long white neck. Next up is another Retiarius. This one is known by the name of Melak Thorakides, owned by Lucius Cassius Pontonius. A Greek, most probably a pirate since he was caught in the Aegean. Weeeellll, I wouldn't want to turn my back on this Retiarius, if you all catch my drift, hehehe! He is being paired off today with a Murmillo named Aequoreus, his contract is owned, by Lucia Cassia Silvana. If my memory serves me correctly Silvana resides in the province of Nova Britannia. I have not had the pleasure of meeting her...yet...but from what I hear, she is quite the catch. They say women who own gladiators typically do so in order to meet guys. So men, she is probably looking for some manly companionship tonight....Yahoo! Damn, that's not too Roman is it? – Comes from hanging out with civis from the `western' side of the Atlanticus, mea culpa civis. Just what is the relationship between this lovely Nova Romana and Pontonius? The Cassia gens is certainly a large one but enquiring minds definitely want to know, I for one, would love to know, hehehe. They are both distant relatives of mine! Silvana's Murmillo, her only entry in today's games fought in the Ludi Victoriae a couple of months ago and fought so well then that he was allowed to live to fight today. A quarry worker, Aequoreus is in excellent physical shape and really enjoys his new career and celebrity as a gladiator in the Ludus Magnus. Maximus, the head instructor at the Ludu Magnus can truly be proud of this young man. Aequoreus has taken to his new trade like a fish to water. I just hope he doesn't get snagged like one by the net man. The Retiarius, true to his kind is swinging his net over his head as he approachess the Murmillo. Aequoreus keeps just out of range of the net and circles around Melak. The net has just been snagged by Aequoreus' gladius. He is pulling him in by wrapping it around the sword. This is quite a risky maneuver since Melak's trident is being pulled in towards him as well. Aequoreus pushes his gladius down into the sand with the net and steps on the grounded net as he parries Melak's thrusting trident to the side. He lunges at Melak before the Retiarius has a chance to pull on his net again to take the Murmillo off balance. I can't believe he hasn't let go of it yet. Instead of continuing to try to impale the Murmillo on his trident he should let that blasted thing go. Aequoreus' gladius has found its mark right in Melaks chest. It is protruding right out of his back, it has severed the met man's spine in half by the looks of it and killed him almost instantly. Melak's last living action was to try to pull the gladius out of his chest with both hands after finally letting go of his net as well as his trident. His body is folding in half at mid torso and he now drops right where he stood. Dead before hitting the ground. Very little blood in this death compared to the others we have witnessed so far this afternoon. Surprisingly all the matches have been quite short. The crowd is not pleased at that but they do give Aequoreus great applause just the same. He seems to be well appreciated for his obvious expertise. Aequoreus is definitely declared the winner of this bout, with yet another kill. I must apologize at this point because I have had to leave the arena to use the `facilities' and have missed the match between a Dimachaeri named Aristos also owned by Pontonius and Bastus the Thracian owned by T. Iulius Sabinus Crassus. The line was so long at the lavatory that I thought I would never make it there in time. Bastus, from the reports I hear, summarily cleaved his neophyte adversary in half right off and left the arena in utter silence. Why he did so is a mystery. There is a rumor that he may be a `sinus' Christian, for those of you who may not be familiar with this slang usage of the word "sinus" (pocket), it is the equivalent of the modern American slang use of the word `closet'. He therefore takes no pleasure in killing. The crowd wasn't quite prepared for such a short match. It has been said many a time that if a gladiator has any chance at all at fighting with two Gladii and no scutum against a well trained and relatively heavily armored Thracian, he had better be very quick and nimble, which he apparently wasn't. Bastus is the winner and will advance to the Semifinals. From what I also hear, he should have used the lavatory himself before the match began. His halved corpse was or should I say `were' dragged out of the arena just as I was returning to my seat. Faustus's new girlfriend apparently didn't like the killing very much herself and retched all over herself and Faustus' lap. I decided to move away from that smelly seat and now sit down next to Cato who is overjoyed at sitting next to the `mouthpiece' of these games. Aristos had no chance against the veteran Bastus, who is highly trained and much blooded. The king of Dacia had a hard time parting with him but a treaty with Pompeius Magnus was so much more important to Dacia than the ownership of such a superb gladiator that he had to let him go. How Crassus managed to get his contract away from Pompeii has been the most asked question in Nova Roma for months. Unfortunately neither man will speak on this subject. The sky has finally opened up with quite a downpour and the arena now resembles a pond as the next two hapless competitors enter the arena. We are quite dry due to the foresight of the Amphitheater's management and hard working staff, they got all the awnings rolled out just in time. Again we have a duplicate matching. Who in Hades did the matching today? The crowd does not like it. Once is enough, twice is pathetic! We are now forced to watch two Secutori go at it. One is owned by Crassus and goes by the name of Ktistai. Crassus, sitting next to Cato just cannot stop talking about this property of his. He was apparently trained deep in the Carpathian by some priests. Will David Carradine be playing his part in the theatrical version? Who cares, ZZZZZ. Damn, I should have gone over and sat next to the beautiful Silvana, too late now, Cato will never let me leave now, I am his `captive' for the day. Thank the Gods he serves the best unwatered Dacian wine, it is the only reward for sitting next to him in one of these games, especially if he is running for some public office or other. By Mars, I hope his friend Crassus' fighters win, otherwise my tunic will be in shreds. If they do win, it will only be drenched in wine. The other Secutor is named Dromichetes and is owned by Q. Iulius Probus. He is Probus's only entry in today's games. Dromichetes is reputed to be a master of the gladius without peer in the eastern provinces and extraordinarily cruel. The crowds absolutely love this man. They cheer so loudly that I cannot even hear Crassus going on and on about his Secutor. A real blessing, I'm sure! This bout goes on and on just like Crassus' mouth. Dromichetes is indeed very good with the blade and more than keeps Ktistai at bay. Ktistai is losing prodigious amounts of blood from his sword arm and it is amazing that he is still in this fight. Crassus is beside himself with worry. He must have put up a villa or two on a wager. How much he has bet on the match is the only thing he does not talk about. This bout better be over soon or Crassus will probably suffer from a coronary thrombosis. The Gods must have listened to Crassus because the over confident Dromichetes overextended himself and off came his arm at the elbow in one smooth cut, it seems to be floating on the water covering the arena, still holding its sword. Now his head is off. Well done. Oh crap, here come the wine....Too late, I'm drenched. I wish someone would hurry up and invent an umbrella for just these situations. Crassus is hopping around like a slave during Saturnalia. Ktistai is the victor, another kill. A Retiarius called Thabit wades out into the arena now. He is the property of Quintus Avitus Vopiscus. I am not familiar with this fighter at all so I shall read from the information provided to me by his handlers. According to his owner Vopiscus, he is highly regarded for his extraordinary use of the trident. His trident, an ornate bronze shaft with gilded tines, was reportedly personally forged by Volcanus for one of Neptune's minions. Yeah right, and my Toga was woven by Venus. That why I'm such a delight to the ladies, Hehehe! His defends his left arm with a strong lorica manica and a matching shoulder piece. He descends from the tribes of the Jebel Barkal mountain region, where he supposedly first learned the use of the net, on the banks of the Nile River near Napata. He was trained under the guidance and wisdom of his Lanista, Spurius Mercurius Pilatus, a recent veteran and former Optio of Legio IV Macedonia, at the Vitellian Gladiatorial School of his Dominus' uncle in Saguntum, Provincia Hispania Tarraconensis. His preferred tactics are defensive. Well, we shall see, won't we? His adversary now enters the soggy arena. The rain is coming down in sheets right now and making it hard to see and hear anything but the games must go on. He is known by the name of Aengus Ansgar and is fighting as a Hoplomachus. He is the property of a Lucius Vitellius Triarus, both men are also unknown to me. Again, according to his owner's documents he was recently wounded in the leg during the Munera Gladiatoria Quarters of the Ludi Victoriae, which I did not attend since I was away at my expansive seaside villa in Ostia. It is just too damn hot to stay in Roma during that time of year! Ansgar has been training hard and the medicus from the Vitellian Gladiatorial School in Saguntum has approved his entry into these games, according to him, he is fully recovery. He carries a long lance and a silver parazonium. He is wearing a closed crested helmet, carries a small circular bronze shield and matching bronze shin pads. He is wearing a bronze lorica manica on his right arm and a bronze pectoral plate with a Medusa emblem engraved on it. According to his Lanista, Spurius Mercurius Pilatus, who is world renown but not as famous as Maximus of the Ludus Magnus, he has vastly improved his performance in the arena, despite being injured, and should provide a good return on one's wagers...at least enough to pay for the Falernian! Weeelllll, again, we shall see...Hehehe! Again, I ask, who scheduled this bout? These two fighters are from the same Ludus and have the same trainer! They are probably lovers for all we know. I feel like a voyeur sitting here. The fighters saunter towards each other leaving a wake behind them in the pond previously known as the Flavian Arena. Are we about to watch them dance? Wow, I guess not. There seems to be no love lost between these two boys. They are going wild in there. The net man looks like a frenzied fisherman trying to bag this big fish. Ansgar is fighting back with all his wits and strength. I have just been told by Cato that they are both beloved by one of the beautiful young ladies in the audience and each one would love to do away with their amorous competitor. I ask him who the lascivious lady is but he just grins at me and will not say. This is proving to be one of the most competitive bouts that I have ever witnessed in this arena. I guess they are both `mudders' and fight very well in ankle deep water. Neither can get the best of the other. A real nail biter of a match. I'm glad I didn't bet on this one. They seem to be very evenly matched. My apologies to the matchmakers, they knew what they were doing in this match. I'm at the edge of my seat and Cato is alternately pulling and pushing me. It's only a matter of time before my tunic is torn asunder. It is so loud in the stadium right now that I can't even hear my own voice. I hope you can all hear me through this vox machina. I CAN'T YELL ANY LOUDER!!!! YES, YES, NO, YES, NO, YES, YEEEESSSSS. ITS ALL OVER CIVIS! ANGSAR HAS WON! OH, THE HUMANITY, THE THRILL, THE BOUT IS ALL OVER. THABIT LOOKS LIKE A BROWN SAUSAGE ON A LONG SPIT. ANYONE GOT A CIGARETTE? It is finally quieting down in the stadium. The last bout of the afternoon is about to start. It has finally stopped raining and the sands of the arena are quickly absorbing the water but it is still very soggy down there. Probably the consistency of pudding to tread on, I imagine. The smell of rain, blood, gore, sweat and all kinds of bodily and organ fluids are now wafting up from the arena and into our noses. The odor is quite rancid. I should have brought a rose or two to put up to my delicate Roman nostrils. The last pair enter the arena, a Murmillo named Naois Angsar whose contract is owned by Quintus Vitellius Avitus Vopiscus and a Secutor named Superstes owned by Lucius Vitellius Triairus. Angsar, it is said by his owner has a fine command of the Gladius Hispaniensis. Today he is wearing a closed great crested helmet made of bronze, a large rectangular wooden scutum emblazoned with a bronze lion's head and Iupiter's thunderbolts. He wears an iron manica on his right arm and an iron greave on his left shin, both emblazoned with lion motifs made of polished bronze. It just happens that his owner Vitellius Avitus is sitting right behind me so lets have him tell us a little about his entry. "Why, thank you Philippus I would love to tell you all about him. He was a Celtic inhabitant from the north coast of Hispania in the Cantabrian Regio, he is descended from the savage and untamable mountaineers that long defied the Roman Legiones and made for themselves a name for `wild' freedom." How unwise and stupid of them. Sorry to interupt you Avitus, pray continue. "He was trained under the guidance and wisdom of the world renown Lanista, Spurius Mercurius Pilatus, a recent veteran, war hero and former Optio of Legio IV Macedonia, at the Vitellian Gladiatorial School of his Dominus' uncle in Saguntum, Provincia Hispania Tarraconensis. His preferred tactic is total attack." Thank you for that fulsome deliver Avitus. Now, I see your brethren Triairus right next to you. Triairius, do you have any comments about your entry into these games. First, I must say that the matchmakers today have been pretty ruthless. I mean, here we go again, pitting your two entries against one another. What's up with that? "Gladly Philippus, my fighter is a seasoned veteran of the arena. His weapon is a highly-polished pompeii style gladius. He is wearing a closed smooth hull, carries a rectangular and rather large woad- blue scutum with armored protection by way of a lorica manica on his right arm and greaves on both his legs. He is descended from the tribes of the Caldoneans, and thus has a fierce demeanor and a commanding bearing. Superstes is an experienced fighter in the arena and a previous winner of the Munera Gladiatoria of the Ludi Megalesia 2758. He was trained at the Vitellian Gladiatorial School in Saguntum. Superstes has proven to be a successful contender. He never fails to visit the Lararium in the arena to make offerings to Iuppiter and Mars, the patron gods of the Vitellians. His preferred tactics are defensive." I suppose his greatest wish is for World Peace? How did he do in the bathing suit competition? Ye Gods, why do I put up with this? Thank you very much Triairus. Now lets get back to the action. Both gladiators are now circling each other endlessly. If they keep this up there will be a moat out there soon. The crowd is getting restless. If they don't cross swords soon they will get killed by the pelting they will get from the crowd. Already a goblet has been hurled in their direction by none other than Faustus, who has now at last become just as inebriated as everyone else seems to be. His little wench has both cleaned herself up quite well and solved the problem of soiled clothing by simply removing most of them from herself. Woopy! Good for you Faustus, from the looks of her, he definitely got the better of that little wager with Reccanellus! The action has finally started, the Murmillo, true to his tactics now that he has sized up his opponent has charged right in and found his weak spot. The Secutor's helmet does not possess good peripheral vision and he has totally missed the hatchet style hack from above to the left side of his head. He was obviously expecting a thrusting technique. It certainly looked like one was coming until the very last instant. What a brilliant move by the Murmillo. He seems stunned by that whallop. The Murmillo is not wasting any time now. He has clipped the Secutor's scutum right out of his grip, taking advantage of the Secutor's stupor and, well it's really all over. The Secutor is kneeling and begging for mercy. The crowd will have none of it. Everywhere I look, every person has their thumbs to their throats. Except for Faustus, his hands are too busy elsewhere, Hehehe. Ansgar stabs downward behind Superstes' clavicle, right through his heart for an instantaneous kill. It was better than he deserved for the skill he didn't display here today. I guess his previous victory went to his head and he just didn't prepare adequately. This is something we frequently see in the arena. The great fall all too often in this arena. Ansgar is victorious. Well, there you have it. The first round of the Gladiatorial games are now history. The Semifinals are just three days away. Today's victors have very little time to recover from any injuries and will be back here then. My wife will be glad to hear that my purse is a little fatter now than before the games began. Until then, this is Marcus Cassius Philippus for Nova Roma Sports with your exclusive Munera Gladiatoria News Report. MUNERA GLADIATORIA QUARTER RESULTS: 1. Retiarius Vir vs Murmillo Ranhosanus : Vir is the winner. 2. Thraex Ingvar vs Thraex Sparcagatus : Sparcagatus is the winner. 3. Murmillo Aequoreus vs Retiarius Melak Thorakides : Murmillo Aequoreus is the winner. 4. Dimachaerus Aristos vs Thraex Bastus : Thraex Bastus is the winner. 5. Secutor Ktistai vs Secutor Dromichetes : Secutor Ktistai is the winner. 6. Retiarius Thabit vs Hoplomachus Aengus Ansgar : Hoplomachus Aengus Ansgar is the winner. 7. Murmillo Naois Ansgar vs Secutor Superstes : Murmillo Naois Ansgar is the winner. Valete. |
